Monday, February 27, 2012

The Heart Attack Grill really delivers


By Mark Rodriguez

I don’t know if this was some sort of irony or just a matter of something that was bound to happen. I have no idea who has the legitimate right to say ‘I told you so’ but yeah… someone should. About 2 weeks ago someone actually had a heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill and was carried out in a real ambulance.

For those that still don’t know about this place, which has been shown on food-related tv shows and opened a new resteraunt in downtown Las Vegas, this is a resteraunt that serves the ultimate in unhealthy food. When I first heard of this place, I thought it was just a gimmick. Something to name the resteraunt over and make a joke about. After all, Burger King gives people little paper crowns, but it’s not like the place actually has anything to do with royalty. Well, the Heart Attack Grill is all over the place with its theme of serving super greasy food I guess, for the hell of it.

And what gimmicks am I talking about? Well, first off the place goes with the whole heart attack theme. The waitresses are dressed like nurses and you get to wear hospital gowns when you sit to eat. The orders are referred to as ‘prescriptions’ and the food… well the food is referred to as triple and quadruple bypass burgers and flatliner fries. And let’s not forget the buttermilk shakes. The food is actually super greasy and cooked in lard. Geez, who the hell uses lard anymore? Last time I saw people cook in lard was in Mexico. Plus, bacon in itself is greasy enough naturally, it doesn’t need to be dumped into more. The burgers are so big you actually get to eat for free if you can finish it… and people over 350 pounds also get to eat for free. People over 350 pounds shouldn’t be eating that kinda crap anyway unless they wanna live up to the resteraunt’s name. I also hope they’re joking about the chances to win free lyposuctions….
I kinda doubt the 350 pound dude eating for free is gonna be as muscular as the guy in the photo

Now, I’ve heard a lot of complaints from people downing this place, and other people saying they have the right to eat what they want, and there needs to be places for bigger folks to eat. Well, I say hell to the fuck no. If you wanna eat, stick to McDonald’s, Burger King, Del Taco, whatever. Regular fast food places are greasy enough as is, but being as big as 350 pounds and going to a place that purposely dumps their food in lard and packs it to the brim with calories and cholesterol is just fucked up on all sorts of levels. It’s almost assisted suicide. I agree, you have the right to eat whatever you want, but we have the right to bear arms but it doesn’t mean every Barney Pfife in town needs a gun in their house where they risk shooting themselves in the foot.

It’s just some kind of tragedy or twisted dark comedy when a guy in a resteraunt full of ‘nurses’ goes under cardiac arrest and no one knows what to do. The place has a fake ambulance parked outside at all times… so when the guy got pulled out in a real ambulance… the on-goers either kept walking or stopped and stared to smirk thinking it was ‘all part of the act’. I wonder if the poor guy’s first moments of suffering was ignored as people thinking he was just making a joke on the place’s name. Not a place for the late Red Foxx to eat.
                                        Not even Johnny could eat the Quadruple Bypass Burger....

I wonder how long this place will last, and if there will be any other incidents. I think it’s been around for a while, and correct me if I’m wrong if this isn’t the first time there actually was a heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill. Well…. At least no one can sue them for false advertising….

YA GOT THAT RIGHT!!!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

IDW TMNT issues 1-4 Change is Constant


By Mark Rodriguez

As many might or might not know, a few years back we had an animated special called Turtles Forever, in which the Turtles from the old 80’s show, the newer 2K3 show and even the original Mirage comics met and defeated the 2K3 Shredder. This movie was made on the 25th anniversary of the Turtles being created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, but also marked their farewell since Laird sold the rights off to Nickelodeon. Nick would promise a new comic, a new cartoon, toyline and movie in the following years, and there already been a few pics of the new cartoon and toyline, estimated to hit this fall. Now, I know many people don’t read comics, and for many the new cartoon will be the first sign of new Ninja Turtles stuff… but actually Nick allowed IDW to produce a comic series last August of 2010. Yep, a month before DC’s New 52.


I enjoyed this new comic, especially since we haven’t had a regular ongoing TMNT series since the Archie comics of the 90’s based loosely on the old cartoon. Yes, Mirage had their series, but their main comic was once every whenever… and the Tales of the TMNT had stories that might take place before this, after that, years into the future, or even days before the events of TMNT # 1. So yes, it is nice to have a normal monthly comic series to look forward to.

 Since IDW started off fresh, this version of the Turtles can be whatever they want it to be, featuring new never-before-seen characters and some from Mirage and even the old cartoon show. Anything goes because this series is basically a re-introduction to them. However, since hardcore fans had yet to see TMNT Volume 4 reach its conclusion due to Laird’s personal problems, many hoped this new comic would be like a new version of Mirage. Though they gripe about the many elements from the old show that have been popping in, again…. This is IDW’s TMNT, they can do whatever they want.

So far the comic has been an interesting read… though the art did take me a while to get used to. One thing to note is that the main story does take quite a while to go through. The new origin IDW has for us comes in bits and pieces and for every new question we get answered, two more seem to pop in its place. I do like it however, because it draws me in and leaves me eager to see the next issue, which is what a good comic should do. Well, before I make articles based on the newer stories (as of now issue 7 is due this month, and we have a Donatello micro coming soon, as well as a crossover event called Infestation out next month) I would like to go back to the first 5 issues which is the first essential storyarc. And again, before anyone says ‘that’s not right’, ‘that’s not how it happened’ or ‘what the hell is said character doing there’ or whatever, again, remember. This is not Mirage, the Fred Wolf cartoon or the 2k3 Series. This is an all-new continuity based on IDW’s ideas.

Issue 1 begins with… um… the story seems to have no title… and it came with 12 variant covers (one of them drawn by Kevin Eastman himself)  to really kick the series off with an impressive start. I actually have 5 of them since I got a deal with the local comic guy, Steve Riddle, that he’d give me the Eastman variant for free if I pre-ordered the 4 individual Turtle covers.


Splinter and 3 of the Turtles are seen facing off against a mutant alley cat named Old Hob and his thugs. Right off the bat, we wonder who this ‘Old Hob’ is, and where is Raphael? While Splinter wants peace, Hob won’t have it, so they fight it out. The Turtles soon take down the punks while Splinter defeats Hob. As Hob escapes he tells Splinter ‘he’ll gut him yet’ along with the turtles, and they’ll soon be as forgotten as ‘the other freak’. Splinter sheds a tear and thinks to himself ‘Raphael, we have not forgotten’ as we see, elsewhere, Raph wandering around, sad and homeless.

We jump back 18 months earlier, as we first see the IDW April, starting her first day as an intern at Stockgen research, apparently a place to bioengineer livestock for starving third world countries. April sees 4 little turtles in a glass case and is told by Chet that they are to be used for a special kind of project. A rat jumps on top of the case and scares April. Chet says the little guy is harmless, and part of another special project, and is hard to keep contained. Chet then escorts April out of the room so she could get her official intern badge.

Baxter Stockman runs the place, and gets a call from General Krang in Burnow Island. He is waging a war and is getting impatient for the test results he ordered. Baxter says there are delays but they are making great progress with the Terrapin/Human Exo-Armor Synthesis and Rodentia Psychotropic serum tests. Krang demands all of this, as well as the super soldier mutagen Baxter promised, since the General was giving Baxter the funding for all of this. Baxter promises all will be delivered soon and wait will be worth it… as a worried little rat looks on.

Three months later, Chet comments on how fold April is of the turtles. She asks why they call the rat Splinter. Another intern, Lindsey tells her they test him with Psychotropic serum, with splits, or splinters his animal nature in two, separating a capacity for human-like cognition, from his basic animal instincts. April asks what something like this has to do with bio-engineering meat, and Chet quickly draws her attention back to the turtles. April already named them, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael, inspired from a ‘history of renaissance art’ course she’s taking that semester.

Back to present day, the homeless Raphael is looking for food in the dumpster managing to find some pizza slices. He looks for clothes in another dumpster, but hears a crash sound nearby. A nearby house has a man beating someone up. Raph overhears this being a drunk father beating on his son Casey.  Raph breaks in, fists raised, and tells the guy he really hates bullies.


From this issue I can say, it was an awesome read and great to see the guys again in a new on-going comic series. It was interesting to see them all in red bandanas, and the mystery behind Baxter, Krang, Hob and why Raphael is lost somewhere made me eager to see the next issue. And yes, this so far the first version that had April name the Turtles.

 Issue two, again, has no title, but 5 variant covers. Raph fights it out with Casey’s drunk, enraged father. He managed to knock Raph down, and does an elbow drop on him, but is hurt by the shell. Raph then tosses his clothes away and continues the fight, until the man gets in his car and drives off. Casey thanks Raph for the save, but wonders where he came from.

 15 months earlier, April is at the Stockgen Research, studying for her college work. Splinter shows up and gives her a disk. Just as she wonders what it is, ninjas break into the building. April sees that the disk is marked ‘confidential’ and ‘Terrapin/human exo-armor synthesis’ and ‘military applications & battlefield’. The ninjas attack her. One steals some chemicals, as the other tries to kill April. Seeing April in danger, Splinter runs off and activates the fire alarm. April smashes a glass vial into the ninja’s face to defend herself and runs off. Splinter notices the ninjas were also stealing the turtles. As the cops arrive, the ninjas are gone, and Splinter runs off.

As the ninjas climb outside, Splinter jumps and claws one in the face, making him drop the bag with the chemicals and turtles and throw the rat down with them. Splinter falls in a puddle of glowing green goo, leaking from the broken vials, and the turtles are there as well. But just then, he notices an alley cat walking off with one of the turtles in its mouth!

 Back to present day we see the Turtles and Splinter living in the sewers. Leonardo is practicing with his weapons, Donatello is working on something, and Michelangelo is just chillin with some pizza, while Splinter sips his tea. The Turtles wonder if they’ll ever find Raphael, and Mike says maybe they should go out and beat on Hob and his thugs instead. Splinter tells them that he understands their frustrations, but will continue the search. He says their fight with Hob would be the first of many in a war they will soon face. But they must find Raphael first, because they are lost without him.

 Back to Raph, he makes friends with Casey Jones and explains how he’s homeless and can’t remember anything of his past. Raph wonders why he isn’t scared of him, but Casey says he’s a teddy bear compared to his old man. Casey offers him something to eat, but sees the fridge is empty. He then says they can go out to eat… and have some fun along the way, as he is now sporting the famous hockey mask and a bat.

 The second issue continues to intrigue was we see the ninjas, and I was very surprised to see that in this version, the cat took Raph away from his brothers while he was still an ordinary turtle and before the mutagen kicked in. So… seeing that Raph and the others have never seen each other after the mutation left me very curious as to how things will be when they reunited.


Issue 3…. Has no title again.. I think maybe they start giving titles to the stories once this arc ends… but I’m not sure. We still get 5 variant covers.


 Anyway, Raph and Casey are out on the town and they take down a purse snatcher. However, giving the purse back to the lady doesn’t quite work out as she runs off screaming at the sight of a big green guy and a guy with a hockey mask. Casey says they could take the purse to the police station and grab a bite to eat. Raph asks if it was so easy to take down the purse snatcher, why didn’t he take down his drunk father. Casey explains his dad started drinking when his mom got sick from cancer. One of her dying wishes was to not fight with his father, and so far he’s kept it.


As for Raph, all he remembers is waking up in an alley, and nothing before that. Casey also explains that his hockey mask comes from him playing hockey in college, but currently he needs to get his grads up or he’s gonna lose the scholarship money he needs to pay rent and food. As they walk and talk, Old Hob’s men spot him…

Meanwhile, back in the sewers, the turtles spar a little. Don takes down Leo, but takes a second to gloat, which gives Mike the chance to take him down. Splinter points out Don’s mistakes and says ‘underestimating their training is also underestimating the enemy’. Mike then asks the million dollar question.. why exactly is Old Hob so mad at them. Splinter just says that ‘Old Hob has his reasons’.

15 months earlier, we go back to seeing the still normal rat Splinter and the alley cat with the normal turtle Raph in his mouth. They have a brief clash, and Splinter gets slashed on the side. However, he’s determined to save the turtle and bites out the cat’s eye. The cat runs off angry. Just then the ninja arrive, looking for the stolen items they dropped. Splinter tries his best to push the turtles back in the bag and drags them to a sewer entrance. The ninjas fail to grab them before Splinter and the 3 turtles fall down into the sewers. Splinter sees he still only has 3 of the turtles… and passes out.

Upon waking up some time later, Splinter realizes he can talk.. and stand.. Now in a more humanoid body, Splinter is confused… but is even more surprised to see that the other 3 turtles have also mutated and can talk.
                                                 Recently Mutated um... Mutant Turtles =D

Back to the present, Leo, Don and Mike are out looking for Raph again, as Mike complains. Leo tells him to stop, but Don agrees since they’re ‘chasing their tails every night looking for a brother they’re not even sure exists’. Leo says Splinter believes he’s alive and that’s the end of it. But Don says it’s NOT the end of it and argues they should be doing something about Hob instead, in which Mike agrees. Leo said that the earlier fight (I assume the one from issue 1) gave them no choice since Hob was too close to knowing where they live and was threatening innocent people to get at them (huh?).


 Leo and Don continue to argue until Don says that maybe this is all some sort of guilt trip from Splinter since he couldn’t save Raphael and can’t accept the fact that Raph was probably killed. Leo doesn’t want to hear it, but Don says maybe Leo just doesn’t have the guts to say it himself. This sets Leo off, but Mike quickly gets in between the two to break it up. Don apologizes but suggests a different approach. The Turtles compromise and agree to go after Hob, while searching for Raph. Don reminds Leo that Splinter always says ‘change is the only constant’.

Elsewhere, Casey and Raph buy some hot dogs from a vendor, but some guys running from the cops shove the food out of their hands. Casey and Raph chase them and beat them down, saying they owe them dinner. However… this was all a set-up as Raph and Casey are now trapped with Old Hob and all his boys (and a girl with a pipe too, you know what I mean).

I love this issue. We get to see more of the Turtles than just Raph. I’m liking Mike the most, since I was afraid he would be just a comic relief annoyance like the 2K3 version. Yeah, he might complain, but he gives valid reasons and asks good questions as to why he has to do something, like why this mutant cat hates them so much. Many people were surprised that Don was arguing with Leo, kinda like Raph used to in other media. But again, it does go with Don’s personality of being the most scientifically sound of the group. He looks at things with cold logic, and to him, running around every night looking for a shadow just because ‘Splinter says so’ and because Leo so blindly agrees, is bound to bring some questions. As for Leo, he is definitely the leader here, but way too blind to do whatever Splinter says without question, even when his brothers do question it.

I also don’t quite understand the ‘Hob was threatening innocent people to get to us’ part. The fight we saw had Hob and his thugs face Splinter and the Turtles, with no innocent bystanders in the background. They don’t even know April yet. And Splinter did tell Hob he wanted the neighborhood left in peace… So was Hob and his goons running around beating up random people asking if they’ve seen a giant rat and 4 giant turtles? Anyways… on to issue 4.


Issue 4 again, has no title and 5 variant covers… and is also the first cover to feature things actually happening in the story, rather than just the turtles posing.

Hob asks Raph if he remembers him, and Raph has a brief flashback of when he was a little turtle and the alley cat had him in his mouth. As Splinter bit the cat’s eye out, Raph was sent flying back. He crawled away and mutated elsewhere… away from the others. Back to the present, Raph says he doesn’t remember Hob, and the cat takes great offense to this. He tells his men to put away the guns so they can give them a beat down they won’t forget. That said, the gang attacks Raph and Casey.

We go back to 15 months earlier, where Baxter and Chet are surveying the damage caused by the ninja break-in at Stockgen. Baxter doesn’t care about the missing rat and turtles and is more concerned with the mutagen. However, it was lost, and the samples left spilled on the street would be too tainted to work. With both the psychotropic serum and mutagen lost, Baxter is concerned… especially with the mutagen since the basic contents were supplied to him by General Krang, and he’d have to ask for more. Chet says they could avoid having to start from scratch if they were to find Splinter and get psychotropic samples from his blood. Just as Baxter asks how they can find a rat in a city filled with millions, the recently mutated Old Hob shows up, asking if the rat has to be alive when he brings him.

The flashback continues with April having a hard time convincing cops that she was attacked by ninjas… and that a lab rat saved her by pulling the fire alarm.

 Meanwhile in the sewers, the recently mutated Splinter and the Turtles try to get as far away from the lab as they can. He says that fate and destiny has brought them together again, so they must fade into the shadows as has always been their way. One of the turtles asks about ‘their way’. Splinter asks for their trust as they continue to escape, and says that with their new life, they will have new names, Leonardo, Michelangelo and Donatello. And Splinter will be their father and sensei like before. He also says there are many things he must teach them, and things they will learn again, but first they have to find a home, and their missing brother.

Back to the present, Casey and Raph fight off Hob’s thugs, but eventually are overpowered. Casey takes a brick to the face and is out, and Hob smacks Raph around and has his men hold him down so he can shoot him. But suddenly, 3 shuriken are tosses into Hob’s arm. He turns to see the other three turtles have showed up. 

The four turtles take down the gang, until Old Hob suddenly tackles Raph down. Hob tells Raph his family left him to die, and that they’re all better off dead and gone, since he’s gonna drag all of them, as well as Splinter, over to Stockgen to be tested on.

Raph loses his temper and attacks Old Hob while the others finish off the rest of the gang (what happened to the babe with the pipe?). Raph beats the hell out of the cat and is about to finish him off. Leo stops him. Don says Hob will just attack them again, and Mike says the cops are coming anyway. The turtles finally introduce themselves to Raph as his brothers, and Casey wakes up, confused as to why he sees 4 turtles now.

Later on, the Turtles return with their long lost brother, and Splinter is overjoyed to see his family complete. In his own words “the circle is complete, now we can truly begin”.

This was an awesome first arc and I really enjoyed it. The origin is so new and different, it pulls old readers in just to see what happens next. And again, questions are answered, and more pop up. The main one here is… why was Splinter talking to the Turtles which such phrases like ‘as it’s always been our way’ and ‘with a new life comes new names’. Of course we know the answer now, but before we were all scratching our heads. Plus, we still don’t know who General Krang is (we assume he’s somehow based on the 80’s toon version) and the Turtles haven’t even met April yet. Plus, how will things be for Raphael now that he’s reunited with his family… and how will the other Turtles deal with their new bro?

As for Baxter, I do like his slightly sarcastic sense of humor. I don’t know. Being a genius and all, he has a way of talk down to people, sometimes going over their heads. I especially like when told about the missing animals when the mutagen was a more important loss. “I see—quite the tragedy, that. Remind me to have my secretary allocate the funds to replace these poor lost creatures. I’m guessing twenty dollars and a trip to the pet store should suffice. The MUTAGEN Mr. Allen! Never mind this inane talk of missing rodents and reptiles! Tell me what happened to the bloody SUPER SOLDIER MUTAGEN!”

I already mentioned some points in my past TMNT articles, but I’ll elaborate further as I cover the epic issue 5, as well as the Raph and Mike micro-series next time I blog about the Turtles. And even though this story has no title for any of the 4 issues, I found out IDW is putting them together in a Trade Paper Back (or TPB for those that know) called ‘TMNT Change is Constant’ so I guess we can label these issues as Change is Constant parts 1-4. Anyways, it was a fun arc, good action and good scenes with the characters we know and love. Even though Raph got most of the focus, the scenes with the other 3 were cool. Anyways, stay tuned for my next blog on this awesome new comic series.